Dear Mom,

Here it comes. My "Dear Mom," post. All the things I would love to tell my beautiful mother. All the things I pray she knows. All the things I usually try to keep to myself. Lies I tell people and wishes I have.

My beautiful and caring mother passed away before I even celebrated my first birthday. The anniversary of her death was last week. I was lucky enough to be in Arkansas surrounded around people who have memories with her and I visited her grave. I've never been able to do that on April 15th. It really helped being around so many people who loved her.

I never knew I could love (and miss) someone without remembering them. Then, I think about my mom and I realize I do. When I was growing up, I would often hear people tell me I looked (and acted) just like my Mother. I still do every now and then. I start to hear it less now, though, because fewer people knew my mom. My greatest fear is when everyone who knew my mom joins her in heaven. What happens when I have questions about her? How will they get answered? They won't. That's what I'm dreading the most.

I'm stuck in the 80s every single time I see a picture of her. I imagine what she would look like and dress like now (23 years later). Since pictures mean a lot to me, I wonder what a current picture of us would look like. I wonder how much different my life would have turned out. I wonder what kind of person I would have became. What kind of friends I would have had.

January and April are usually exceptionally hard months for me. I know, I know, exactly what you're thinking.. HOW can it be hard for you when you never even knew her?
People ALWAYS tell me they're "sorry" when they hear my unfortunate news (thanks, but that is the most awkward thing you could say to me). So, I respond with... "It would have been a lot more difficult if I would have known her." Thats the biggest lie I tell people. I mean, sure, it would have been hard knowing her. BUT, the fact that I never knew her is one of the hardest things. So, instead of dealing with people I just lie. Depressing, I know. But, there IS a plus side. "A plus side?", you say, "How can there be a plus side?"
My thoughtful mother left me a couple of notes in a book once she started getting sick. Some I will never tell people. But, the really adorable stuff I can't keep to myself.

"I love you and your father so much and sometimes it's hard for me to understand why my time came so early. But God has a purpose for everyone and everything - remember that."

I have it memorized. THIS is how I know what a great big beautiful heart my mom had. THIS is how I have a plus side and THIS is how I love her without even remembering a thing about her. It's one of my all-time favorite quotes. HOW can someone going through so much indescribable, unbelievable, pain think as positive as that? I know very, very, few people that would be as optimistic as she was.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I'm thankful she taught me that. So, whenever I have questions regarding how different my life would have been with her, I remember this quote. I remember everything DOES happen for a reason. I remember God DOES have a purpose for me.

I think the greatest compliment I can have is being told I look, or act, like my mom. It's honestly an honor and I can't imagine receiving a better compliment.

I miss you every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what could have been. Thank you for teaching me so much more than you ever thought you could. Thank you for being strong for us. Thank you for always listening. Thank you for protecting and watching over me and thank you for your unconditional love at the earliest stage in my life. I couldn't have asked for a stronger and more beautiful mother. I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel. You mean the world to me.

Tru..st? No, thanks!

Thank you. Now my trust in people has decreased severely, even more so.
I've always had a hard time putting my faith and trust into people. I mean, lets be real, most people really only build you up and let you down anyway. That's not negative. It's only the truth. I can be positive about the situation. You build me up, let me down, and I learn.
I learn to trust even few people.
New York City taught me that too. So, no big, when an actual person does.

Not gonna lie, I'm pretty naive when it comes to the world. I'm twenty-three and feel like I've learned so much but still learn something new every single day. I'm naive in trusting and loving.

This is where the love part comes into play of my blog. It's really hard for me to FALL in love. Loving friends is much easier. Sometimes I say it to people I probably shouldn't. That's why I believe love should be one of those four-letter-sacred-wow you just said that- kinda words. I love you is one of the most over-rated and over-used statements. ever. In fact, it's SO over-used, how do you ever know when someone is being honest about their love? You don't.
That's how trust comes back into play.

Didn't even realize how much the two tie together until now. I mean, of course, I knew they went together. But, they kinda go together like peanut butter and jelly. Like macaroni and cheese. Like Elvis and I.

And so brings me to the "Happy Adoption Day, Elvis" part of my blog.

Two years ago today I met one of my bestfriends. Yes, he is a dog. No, I don't care. I can say that I DO love him. Basically, if there were a dog version of me... he's it. I DO trust him. Trust? How do you trust a dog? Well, I trust that he's not going to bite me. I trust that he loves me back. I trust him everyday of his life. Haha- I sound so crazy for blogging about how I trust and love my dog. But, I have this unbelievable and incredible love for animals. Also, posting a blog without acknowledging that I've had him for two years is incredibly rude.

Hopefully, one day, I can trust and love a HUMAN enough to marry him. Trust and love his family. I have quite a few friends that I do trust and love. However, trusting and loving a guy is different. Mainly because guys that I end up liking eventually leave me hanging out to dry. So, if you're out there, I'm learning.

Why you gotta be so MEAN?

Find a grip and catch ahold of it. I'm about to let you know exactly how I feel if I see one more hateful status about a stranger you don't even know.

I find it absolutely disgusting that a human can judge a particular family and complain about their life on a Facebook status. Especially when this girl doesn't even know these people.
This is when it hit me. Stop judging others. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do my fair share of judging. I don't, however, post it for the public on a social networking site. I try to keep my judging to myself and my close friends.
Everyone you run into is facing something you know NOTHING about. Everyone has personal problems that they keep personal for a reason. Just because you see a mom with two pregnant teenage girls doesn't mean you know their story. Keep your thoughts to yourself. You have no idea what kind of family situation they live in and, honestly, it's none of your business. Stop judging everyone else's problems and go work on your own. Honey, you aren't perfect. No one is.

You claim to be Christian. Read the Bible and let me know if your Savior judged and publicly humiliated innocent families.

Somebody I used to know

You know that song that will always remind you of that certain person? It's that song that almost (or, in fact, DOES) makes you break down with emotions. You could listen to it for a year and not get sick of it. It makes you miss that person so bad it hurts all over again. As much as you want to stop thinking of them during the song, you just can't seem to shake it. So, for your own sake, when you don't want to feel that way you have to change the track.

If you don't know the feeling I'm talking about then just stop reading now. It's for your own good. There's no use in continuing with wasting your time.

It's my fault. I shouldn't have made a CD for you in the first place. Then I FINALLY got over you. Now I see you're listening to this particular song on Spotify? I can't help but wonder if you get that same feeling I do. Then there's a little part of me that wonders if you're thinking about someone else now. It's only fair if you do, I mean, you've moved on too. Now I miss you all over again.


Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me.
I'd send a postcard to you dear, cause I wish you were here.


Don't get me wrong. I'm completely over you. What you did to me was terrible and I'll never look at people with that same naive feeling again. You screwed me up and helped me all at the same time. I've grown so much because of your selfishness and careless actions. Although you've totally destroyed Vanilla Twilight for me, I relate to other songs I never thought I would now.


You're gone, gone, gone away,
I watched you disappear.
All that's left is a ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart, there's nothing we can do.


Thank you.