Here it comes. My "Dear Mom," post. All the things I would love to tell my beautiful mother. All the things I pray she knows. All the things I usually try to keep to myself. Lies I tell people and wishes I have.
My beautiful and caring mother passed away before I even celebrated my first birthday. The anniversary of her death was last week. I was lucky enough to be in Arkansas surrounded around people who have memories with her and I visited her grave. I've never been able to do that on April 15th. It really helped being around so many people who loved her.
I never knew I could love (and miss) someone without remembering them. Then, I think about my mom and I realize I do. When I was growing up, I would often hear people tell me I looked (and acted) just like my Mother. I still do every now and then. I start to hear it less now, though, because fewer people knew my mom. My greatest fear is when everyone who knew my mom joins her in heaven. What happens when I have questions about her? How will they get answered? They won't. That's what I'm dreading the most.
I'm stuck in the 80s every single time I see a picture of her. I imagine what she would look like and dress like now (23 years later). Since pictures mean a lot to me, I wonder what a current picture of us would look like. I wonder how much different my life would have turned out. I wonder what kind of person I would have became. What kind of friends I would have had.
January and April are usually exceptionally hard months for me. I know, I know, exactly what you're thinking.. HOW can it be hard for you when you never even knew her?
People ALWAYS tell me they're "sorry" when they hear my unfortunate news (thanks, but that is the most awkward thing you could say to me). So, I respond with... "It would have been a lot more difficult if I would have known her." Thats the biggest lie I tell people. I mean, sure, it would have been hard knowing her. BUT, the fact that I never knew her is one of the hardest things. So, instead of dealing with people I just lie. Depressing, I know. But, there IS a plus side. "A plus side?", you say, "How can there be a plus side?"
My thoughtful mother left me a couple of notes in a book once she started getting sick. Some I will never tell people. But, the really adorable stuff I can't keep to myself.
"I love you and your father so much and sometimes it's hard for me to understand why my time came so early. But God has a purpose for everyone and everything - remember that."
I have it memorized. THIS is how I know what a great big beautiful heart my mom had. THIS is how I have a plus side and THIS is how I love her without even remembering a thing about her. It's one of my all-time favorite quotes. HOW can someone going through so much indescribable, unbelievable, pain think as positive as that? I know very, very, few people that would be as optimistic as she was.
I truly believe everything happens for a reason. I'm thankful she taught me that. So, whenever I have questions regarding how different my life would have been with her, I remember this quote. I remember everything DOES happen for a reason. I remember God DOES have a purpose for me.
I think the greatest compliment I can have is being told I look, or act, like my mom. It's honestly an honor and I can't imagine receiving a better compliment.
I miss you every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wonder what could have been. Thank you for teaching me so much more than you ever thought you could. Thank you for being strong for us. Thank you for always listening. Thank you for protecting and watching over me and thank you for your unconditional love at the earliest stage in my life. I couldn't have asked for a stronger and more beautiful mother. I couldn't ask for a better guardian angel. You mean the world to me.
